Null & Void

When a person gives – they give because they ‘have;’ and thus, can share. Correct? The same is also true with the intangible. A person gives / shares from a space or place where a supply resides.

However, one cannot give or share where emptiness lives. Never shun or judge when you are unable to receive what “you” expect from another who is without inventory, whether it be their attention, love, time, etc. because the lack of support you so desperately need from that loved one is being requested from a space / place where support was never deposited or witnessed.

The message: stop requesting things from folks whose void cannot deliver. You are depleting them.

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She’ll Remember 28. What’s Your Number?

I was speaking with my coparent a few weeks ago when he eloquently shared the importance of prioritizing, finding purpose and exercising time management to our teen, who had opened up another social media account without our permission. The first attempt was on Snapchat earlier this year but this most recent one was on TikTok when both he and I knew the narrative about the pros and cons of being on social media had to change. First, we acknowledge and are aware that our teen (like others) is curious about the world around her.

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“Why can’t I have a social media account,” she asked? “Sweetheart, we are not saying you cannot have one ever but rather waiting until you are mature enough to handle its content is the preferred time,” was my reply. I could clearly see how my reply was welcomed, yet she was not satisfied and the reasoning did not appease her curiosity nor her desire because the ‘outlier’ status she has among her friends isn’t a good feeling. So, as to avoid piling on more sentiments atop what is happening in her friendship circle, her Papa shared a correlation to put things in perspective.

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He said ‘Today my number is 28; I added a year since I turned 57.’

We waited, knowing an analogy would follow. I then silenced my voice and joined forces with his because I knew he had a message that I could endorse. He continued, “I recently asked God to grace me with 85 years. Now at age 57, I have 28 years left. If given the opportunity to see you mature, grow and blossom, you will be 44 years-old. Just imagine how that might look and feel for us, your parents, to witness your adulthood and reflect upon how you manage time, navigate challenges, tap in to your emotional intelligence and accept responsibilities – most, if not all of these milestones, happen when we are teens.”

Before he finished making his point about his number 28 (the balance of his life), our Butterfly understood the message and so did I. It was then she interjected with an emotional whisper, telling us how much she valued our time, while understanding that having a social media account requires a level of maturity she hasn’t reached; appreciated our love deposits; understood the importance of parenting and how finding the balance between being a friend in the parent realm is a delicate balance. Her feedback was clear and unambiguous! It was like an Aha! moment for us all, including he, who had not expected such a reaction.

Conversely, the takeaway for us is to instill, deposit, share, teach, instruct, display and illustrate our walk in parenting. And because my ex- and I are products of the ‘hush-hush’ generation where responding to parents is nearly prohibited, we vowed to break the cycle of remaining mute when God gave us our daughter because a silenced voice or expression will invite neglect, confusion or worse, may lead to unacceptance among other things. Therefore, our 3-person conference call was a discussion, and is never an ultimatum to our daughter because our intent is to rear an independent thinker, who will attempt at opening up another social media account – that is no doubt – but at least in doing so it will be a conscience act and not a trivial one.

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What will you do with the balance of your time? As for me – my number is 34. I am also asking God to grace me with 85 years. And at age 51, I have more years behind me than in front, which is why I chose peace over drama, simplicity over complexity, valued relationships instead of quantifiable acquaintances and the list continues. Therefore, although our Butterfly will adopt the habits that may not be to our liking when she becomes an adult, we will always stand by her decision to choose what she believes is correct, which will be in a couple of years.

Hopefully, it will be awhile before we have another ‘social media’ discussion at which time our teen may be preoccupied with something else to hold her attention. Nonetheless, we will continue to give thanks to God for guiding us through challenging discussions and for showing us the importance of validation because the takeaway was just that – our teen’s feelings mattered. And she further learned about why we do what we do and how its done, i.e. coparenting to the best of our ability, while living in different states.

What’s your number?

– Blossom

Block Her instead

Heading to see Stephan Speaks to better understand how to rid myself of toxicity for a better me happened yesterday, October 17. I was fresh and ready after arriving home from a 5-day cruise to the Bahamas. I thought “this is freaking cool” to finally witness in person how this phenomenal speaker-, relationship coach could deposit nuggets for me to use and apply to my personal life.

Heading to a ‘Stephan Speaks’ event

I left with a resourceful takeaway that will help me to understand ‘why it is that my headaches recur’ when I am among certain family? The throbbing mostly seems like a constant when her repetitive calls go unanswered that regularly results in unexplained confusion, hurt, and frustration because when I do decide to answer the phone it’s stress about the ‘why, where, what, how and when’ and never about how we can heal us or our family to function in normalcy. Conversely, when I don’t answer the phone it’s the constant voicemails from her about how I need to stay in my lane and not question anything she says or does, although her actions systemically and negatively impacts others. Yet, she never forgets to tell me how my life will be “shortened” because I am that child who supposedly talks back. Ahem.

I can never win with this petite, 5’2″ lady, who is my mother. Therefore, I find it therapeutic to block her phone number instead to exercise peace of mind for me and mine, who stands witness to this dysfunctional relationship. So, attending the function yesterday reaffirms the importance of healing, which “is an emotional detox,” while the other nugget I find useful is to “learn that life is happening FOR you and not TO you!”

Father’s Day Everyday

Preferencing this discussion with a disclaimer would be appropriate: I speak from a place of knowledge that includes my personal experiences as a mother, co-parent, former spouse, step-daughter, daughter, niece, girlfriend, aunt, confidant and everything in between.

Today I see a lot of post where sentiments are shared, wishing Father’s Day to men who matter – patriarchal figures, brothers, brother-in-laws, male cousins, dawgs (in the words of brotherly love among black males), grandfathers, uncles, nephews and the list continues. Everyone has a narrative about how men have showed up in their life, changing them or impacting them in one away or another. However, this isn’t about the fathers today. This post is about the females and mothers who I am challenging to deposit more positive thoughts in the minds of our children who may be distant from their fathers because children aren’t given permission (verbal & nonverbal) to exercise independent thinking particularly in post-divorce and blended family situations.

Conversely, I am further requesting any person who is in a blended family to think outside of what you are used to. Think beyond your past, understanding that you are the product of your mindset. If you choose to be emotionally stuck in your past you will remain there unable to process that you deserve better. Also know that if you decide to actively live with your former self your current situation is more than you deserve and your self value will require an assessment before you enter a new relationship. The message here is that RECEIVING acceptance from whom you are with today is a risk because we each carry scars from our ex’s for our new partner to unpack, tolerate, refurbish and nurture.

What’s the relevancy you ask? Sentiments are ways of expression. How what we say, when we say it and to whom on what day is all correlated. Again – how we say what we say to whom on what day has a lot to do with what we are feeling. Today is one of those days where emotions are driving the narratives we post on Father’s Day. Let’s be mindful that we women can change the narrative about how our men think and how the way they love. We carry the power! Our children will follow our direction in post divorce situations so why not deposit positive narratives in placement of any unhealed takeaways we had with their father?

Men are so different insomuch that most of what they think they know is not accurate at all or most of what they want to know they cannot handle. Their mindset is usually one-directional where when they are challenged with a different way of thinking it is sometimes an uphill battle to defend instead of receive because the ‘head of household’ mindset they’ve adopted overrides the holistic needs of the family and inadvertently results in miscommunication instead of open communication. So there is work to be done between the genders for healthier dialog.

It is when we (women) are able to understand the inner workings of how our man perceives his role in our lives and in the lives of our children we can better communicate ways on how dads / patriarchs can become physically, emotionally and mentally involved in relationships. Therefore, ladies let us channel our strength to build and deposit love about our men (past or present) into our children so they grow mature in their understanding about how to navigate relationships of all kind on their own because there is so much beauty in one’s ability to articulate what they feel and how they feel without judgement. Let us all do our part in the love deposit circle of creating a community of children who can independently love both parents in respective ways.

It took a ‘front seat’ without our permission

For more than a decade and counting my confidant, my Dad, my friend who I once spoke to every day and my star was diagnosed with a neurological disease that has changed the course of our relationship. It was not until 2.5 years ago that I became a closet daughter to his illness. In other words, I could not bring myself to accept, recognize, talk about or even respond to questions about his wellbeing or whereabouts because angst would visit me first before I could utter a word.

It has been agonizing since then to put words to paper, voice to his wellbeing or even foresight to his condition and how our family has been impacted by what has and is occurring.

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So today I am deciding to be brave about how a neurological-health diagnosis is taking front seat, bringing with it so many formations that are both unrecognizable and heartbreaking to witness.

This is my story and I am the daughter, who is giving voice to an emotional wound that has numbed me for too long. Yet, I am making a conscious decision to feel and to give voice to what I know will be a challenging road ahead for me and our family.

Stay tuned.

Please pray.

Take care of your loved ones.

And make sure your friends, family and loved ones know how much and how often they are valued.

-Blossom

Operate from Value

There is a place called Value that resembles you having your peace and leaving another with their peace at the end of an argument. Operating from Value also occurs when you are in another’s company and you notice an enhanced emotion or wellbeing versus an observation of melancholy or sadness from your engagement – where the former, is adding value to the outcome. I had a conversation with my teen this morning that left me teary-eyed not because it was a sad conversation, but more so a dialog that had me hoping she’d share the same with her offspring one day.

House boat near in NOC: Nantahala Outdoor Center. 9/20/2020

“Always operate from a place of Value” when you have relationships with people, I explained. Her eyes hinted at a further explanation and I began to share the following with her. Any time you are with someone, e.g. friend, relative, significant other, aunt, parent or in a professional setting, you want to aim at leaving the table having had a positive impact on the person’s life where the next encounter brings not only joy but spiritual uplifting and emotional wellbeing for both parties, particularly the other party. Before she could ask what I meant, I elaborated using myself as an example.

At 49-years old in October, I am welcoming situations that add value to either my presence, life, emotional state, holistic wellbeing and time because anything or anyone that goes against this desire or request is negating from my self-healing, growth and presence. Too often we see couples break up to later learn they are now at each other’s throat because of a promise made that now, suddenly, cannot be trusted from the other’s mouth who they previously loved. Crazy? No, accurate. What about a situation that invites a misunderstanding and now both parties involved are leaving the table with inconceivable stress that didn’t exist before?

Both aforementioned vignettes are discounts to one’s health; thus, taking away from what could have been avoided to begin with. Adding Value simply means enhancing one’s present situation, e.g. offering a smile to brighten up their day; validating their point of view or emotion or even something as simple as trusting their truth because from this delivers an exchange of harmony, peace, respect and dignity. Conversely, when we don’t bring Value with us, we do just the opposite: we deposit reservations, invite stress, create strife and may leave emotional scars that are all sometimes challenging to correct yet are unavoidable.

How do we add Value? Arriving at the answer is simple, yet not simply stated because one may say ‘treat the person the way you want to be treat,’ which begs a question? Is the person doing the treatment treating her/himself the way s/he ‘knows’ is the best treatment for themselves?! Therefore, adding Value requires you to assess and evaluate your purpose by looking from the outside in and arriving at your answer when you know that your objective should be to leave the person in a better state of mind or in a better emotional space.

So, if you find this a challenging task – don’t, just envision how you could benefit if you were the recipient! Promise yourself to add Value and if you are incapable of doing so, don’t negate. Don’t take away! Aim to always ADD!

– Blossom

Too hopeful, not so

Recently asked by my counselor, and I paraphrase, “Each time you leave you expect a different outcome,” when I explained about how each visit home rarely ends the way I expect – on a positive note. “Felita, I’ve never seen anyone so hopeful” about potentially Correcting the Wrongs of such a difficult relationship she explained when I began to question my sanity.

Be it what it may, I will forever vow to do my part, show my face, lend my hand, reach out with full effort and defend my belief, which is – continue to make small, forward steps so that when you reflect on your habits in the past tense you can exist in your present state saying that you’ve tried to do your best with what you have and with what is before you.

Create your own Sunshine🌞

This weekend was a good one and today was a great day! My time was spent with whom, where and how I wanted, and I feel good about listening to my own intuition instead. Although the clouds hovered, I managed to create my own Sunshine.

Find Your Fullness

Although I was bitter about going to my late afternoon session I left with great takeaways! My typical one-hour session usually begins at 11:00 AM on Saturdays, but because there are so many wounded persons like me who are seeking their healing my energy was channeled elsewhere. I thought, adaptability is far more important so adjust your mindset (is what I told myself).

Today was a great day, and I left more equipped with tools and resources I will begin to apply for small improvements. The takeaway from my session, and I paraphrase “If you were full (engaged in present activities for self-nourishment), you wouldn’t be seeking things and results from an empty well,” she explained. I didn’t quite grasp the message in my two previous sessions, but this time her message resonated: don’t expect things from people who are without the things you need or are unable to comprehend your request.

So how does this analogy equate to self and what practices are employable for one’s healing? Below are a few tips to keep in mind – not in any specific order:

• You must do your own work to receive results
• You must be willing to make small steps first
• If you accept mediocre, you will receive no different
• You cannot want more for a person than they want for themselves
• Stand in your own judgement before you stand in another’s judgement
• Know the journey to healing is a slow, methodical and strategic practice
• Be willing and receptive to embracing your brokenness in exchange for proper repair
• Know that your reach to someone or for something great may yield an empty return

There are others, but these are a few!

– Blossom

Remain conscious of your BUT

I vividly recall my session. It was day 3 after I found my new counselor. The person I had looked for when I began calling a list of individual & family therapists who would meet my standards was exciting, overwhelming, scary, promising, yet fearful.

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She knew I’d be a handful when I initially called her, outlining exactly what I needed for my emotional-mental therapy! “Are you African American; are you older than 50 and are you credentialed in family therapy?” were the questions asked of her. “Yes, I am, but why?” I continued to explain that my personal issues directly stem from systemic patterns in the black community that negatively impacts relationships I have with loved ones, inadvertently affecting friendships.

I had reached a point of lethargy! The intersection of what to do + where to go was too confusing for me to navigate. After all these years I had finally run out of tools and resources on this solo ride to self-healing. A plateau. I needed professional, clinical intervention but not at the hands of a novice.

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She needed to know the depth of my hurt and wounds without being coached. I had to have someone who could not only relate, but look me eye-to-eye and break through my guarded heart and passive-agressive assertions to see my bullshit. This professional had to also be a ‘she’ because I know that effective empathy + combined wit + careful delivery would give me a safe space to talk. This was vitally important because I am particularly known to shut off emotions and recoil when I feel attacked – a place where only my dad understands.

“At the time, it seemed clear to me that any between-sex differences in thinking abilities were due to socialization practices, artifacts and mistakes in the research, and bias and prejudice. … After reviewing a pile of journal articles that stood several feet high and numerous books and book chapters that dwarfed the stack of journal articles … I changed my mind.”   – Diane Halpern, PhD

Dr. King is and has been my safe haven. Her teachings, techniques, discernment, communication style, presence, aura, spirit, strategies, methodology and various specialities have traveled a 35+ year journey from the academia, turned clinical sector with awe-inspiring accolades. When she told me that I needed to hear the BUT behind every explanation I knew there was an incredible breakthrough on my end. Not only did I hear her explain the importance of why, I also understand how effective communication is discounted when we are unable to remove our BUT from conversations!

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About a month ago Dr. King said to me, and I paraphrase: “Felita, listening to the BUT when a person is explaining themselves will allow you to visualize, listen, have access to, witness and perceive their mindset about a subject issue, which will give you both an opportunity to clear up and potentially resolve any misunderstandings you would never know otherwise.”  This was the best advice I had received in a while, as it reminds me of instruction I received years ago about my writing, which is ‘the best way to notice your errors in writing is to read your sentences backwards because the pace is slower in the backwards direction.’

Today, removing the BUT allows me to sit in the present; to hear and stand witness to a person’s heart amidst their explanation of what they believe they’ve heard about our conversation that may be confusing to them. I remember removing my teenager’s rights to use her bathroom until she was tidy enough to maintain her own, and while she began to explain her point of view – I interrupted her at “BUT, mommy” — I later learned that she needed to know more about the why. We concluded that our definitions of tidy differed, and my inferences were confusing instead of helpful.

Thank you Dr. King for inspiring and teaching me to become a better me! The words that follow ‘BUT’ will be heard before I speak further; I will also commit with a thoughtful mindset. I promise to remain conscious of my ‘BUT’ so that others may also heal because words unheard are feelings unexplained. The takeaway – communication should be fluid, unambiguous, simple, sincere, gentle, kind and delivered with empathy. I get it — we all fall short, however, speaking in our present state will allow us to exercise care and attention for a created platform that is safe for all to share a seat at the table.

 

 

 

 

Elite Daily: Does Abstaining From Sex Create A Stronger Emotional Connection? An Expert Say Yes

Elite Daily: Does Abstaining From Sex Create A Stronger Emotional Connection? An Expert Say Yes. https://www.elitedaily.com/p/does-abstaining-from-sex-create-a-stronger-emotional-connection-expert-say-yes-22795649

Calculated Silence

It was the 89th day of 2020 and two sent texts: SC & GA.

My heart was racing to receive a response: a call or even a text reply. But nothing! I sat on the edge of my seat all day long. Hoping. Yearning. Wishing. Praying.

Not even an acknowledgement! Did he know? Did he remember? For goodness sake – it was his birthday! 67. But nothing!

The pedestal once given to her has lost all value. This is the “Final Straw…”

Ahem – practicing the epitome of Parental Alienation. Her voice was so loud amidst the silence, but it wasn’t until midnight that we realized the intentional communication.

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Too often

Too often we are afraid of not being that exact ‘fitted’ piece of the puzzle that remains glued in the fabric of relations

Too often we speak the wrong things in our head and grow angry with our heart because our emotions don’t align with our thinking

Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another steppingstone to greatness.

– Oprah Winfrey

Too often we pace back and forth, wondering if we can fit in where we get in

Too often we inhale on numerous occasions, wondering why the heart is palpitating when we forgot to exhale and let go

Too often the thoughts of yesteryear will overpower us until we decide that risking the practice of vulnerability is probably worth it

Too often we choose to live and exist in solitude, not because we want to but because we choose it

Too often we confuse dusk for night because our mind has wandered so far in the past until today passed us by

Your willingness to look at your darkness is what empowers you to change.

– Iyanla Vanzant

Too often we’re concerned about what he or she may say or think but we fail to know that he or she lives in our head, rent free, because no one really knows our masquerade

Doing the best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment.

– Oprah Winfrey

Too often our stomach aches, not of hunger, but from our inability to release the panic button that controlled us for many years

Too often we want to manage, monitor or control a situation, forgetting that a second becomes a minute that grows into an hour, turned days into months and years of missed opportunities because our ‘self’ was important for way too much