Antebellum Era, Black Grandmothers, black mothers, Daughters, Emotions, Relationships, Young girls

Three Little Black Girls

I wish to friend, understand and play with the little girls who came before me. I want to know what they dreamed of when they didn’t have to concern themselves with anything except to play, laugh and love without expectations and instructions. What were the secrets in their hearts? Were they happy or unhappy, and how so? Did each of these little girls have someone who often hugged them, reassuring that ‘All would be okay?’ Did they feel beautiful or empty inside? Did they feel alone or cold, particularly in the company of others? Were they permitted to speak without being accused of ‘talking back,’ or were they told to ‘hush’ because they did not have the permission to voice their emotions?

– Book excerpt from a section, titled ‘Three Little Black Girls,’ as the author explains the distant relationship between she, her mother and maternal grandmother.

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Dating, Fathers, Marriages, Relationships

Once Told. Believed. L-O-V-E

Once told you will never meet another, then I met him. Once told that you will never be another, and then I defied odds. Once told that you may have a challenge loving again with your whole heart because you guard it like someone has robbed you of your most private possessions, yet he still stayed. My point! Let no one, and I mean no one, put limitations on what you will or will not become, particularly as it relates to listening with your whole heart and trusting with complete vulnerability.

Is it a wonder why one guards their heart in fear of letting go because intuitively they sense and subconsciously know something does not feel correct (rhetorical). I am a part of a prayer network site where persons will post their most intimate of stories for all to not only see, but more importantly to pray about. Today I read a post from a women who was in a relationship for one year, yet recently found out that her male partner announced he was becoming a father with someone else and this announcer wanted to know what actions she should take about how she felt. Of course, I contributed my thoughts along with others.

Over and over again there are stories similar or somewhat different than the one described above. Conversely, each time an article is posted, a Facebook post is shared, a conversation occurs or an exchange of thoughts are delivered, the denominator called L-O-V-E is in the equation. This word is so powerful, yet overly used where it has and continues to lose its connotation. Instead of it meaning compassion, nurturing, maintaining, reciprocating, giving, receiving, exchanging, offering and the list continues, the acronym to mean Lusting Over Various Events (L-O-V-E) is put in its place.

Casting judgment you ask, no. Analyzing one’s actions, no. Wishing ill-intent on another, absolutely not. Perceiving myself as better, not I, who has and continues to write about my flaws and transgressions. However, I am speaking from a ‘been there done that’ perspective where finding L-O-V-E has become a regular-everyday practice such as getting up to report to a job or posting a resume in pursuit of the ideal career, rather than patiently working together toward a unified goal of becoming one, where both partners bring their whole self (100 percent respectively) to the relationship with a single purpose.

Writing from a ‘single woman’s’ perspective is not an easy task because I too desire that ideal male companion who instead will say and usher support of  the “possible” instead of the “impossible” when I am unsure of how to unwrap my whole heart for him to hold and be trusted with. He, wherever and whoever he is, will have the discernment to be patient, understanding that relationships are building blocks versus stepping stones. So, to you my prayer peer who requested advise I write, “if an open relationship existed, the outcome of you and he was to be expected. I am sorry! What should you do? Embrace your heart, cry when and if you feel the need to do so, pray and give it to God, nurture You (the whole you: good, bad and indifferent) and the hardest part – wish him well, praying he finds true love with her. Work on you so that when your [future partner] arrives you can give your whole, complete self to him. I know this is hard, yet I also know it’s possible with God at the front and center of your focus. And besides, you deserved better and this is evidence of your true worth.”

To you the reader, do not be negatively overcome with the label ‘single woman’ that I once classified as a stigma, particularly when you are at my age of 47 this year. Of course, the perspective is different when you are put in a situation that you once viewed. So let my admission be the lesson of what not to do! Hence, I am not new to the scenes of the ‘single’s life,’ yet I am exercising different principles, ridding myself of what did not work the two times prior. And I am observing my flaws, working on my voids, praying often, engaging in dialogues, welcoming advice, socializing with others, listening to my heart more and less with my head (A Libra trait to a fault) and praying to be prepared to give of myself completely to whom is equally prepared to go with me in God’s path. Hopeful thinking? Perhaps too soon, yet whose to say there is a time frame for quality companionship. *Photo credit: Inspired Whole-Self Therapy (Purple Sage Healing)

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Marriages, Relationships

Mastering Your Lane

Until recently I did not really understand the essence of this statement. I heard someone say, as I now echo the importance of Learning your role and Mastering your lane. What does it all mean? The interpretation may vary, depending on who you ask, when, why and how. The asking of this question from women will differ in response from that of men. The ‘when’ of asking may invoke an unwelcoming response or unexpected behavior whereas the ‘why’ and ‘how’ of asking may not sit well either. So let’s talk about this for a minute.

Let’s take for instance your new position as Office Assistant. The staff welcomes you with open arms. You are introduced to your work responsibilities that of which include assisting others on how to best and seamlessly alleviate their stress, i.e. answering telephones, interacting with clients and the list continues. In this capacity you are later expected to adhere to subsequent duties because you have mastered your primary function with such tact, diplomacy and professionalism. Consequently, you are an essential fiber to the office whereas if absent, stress and chaos are apparent. With that said, now envision the staff without you!

If we, as employees are consciously able to give of our best selves to an employer, why is it that we lack the same practice in our personal space? The answer is complicated, but chiefly found in the protocols and guidelines that regulate our behaviors in the workplace which are less governed in our personal lives. The aforementioned vignette displays a sense of loyalty from the Office Assistant to the employer because there are capital interests attached, e.g. job promotion, employee recognition or peer notoriety that could possibly lead to professional openings. Whereas, in our personal lives the comparison may be abstract.

Staying in our lane and mastering our respective responsibilities are paramount in both aspects of our life – professional and business. Hence, I will be the first to admit, I have failed in this department, which is probably how I know so much about it. So let’s talk about how this can be introduced and better achieved so that both components of our lives are met. As one who is competent, proficient and effective in business development, I have worked in various capacities of sales: door-to-door, inside, outside, tangible, intangible, face-to-face, consumer-to-business, business-to-consumer and telemarketing to name a few. However, those who know me well may say my forte is that of an effective speaker of large audiences. Conversely, there is self admission to the enjoyment and comfort of a speaker role that I attribute to four years as a health instructor who still occasionally teaches life-saving techniques to persons who desire to learn and master the practices of CPR, AED and first aid.

Conversely, I am further confident in other fields of profession, particularly ones that are autonomous. Nonetheless, I am aware of what areas of business I am my best self although discerning this in my personal life is a recent pursuit. I function best when I visually see progress. However, I also realize and you will regularly hear me say that ‘Progress is defined as steps forward toward a goal, objective, project or mission, no matter the pace,’ which speaks to how we should all learn from our past to no longer be stuck there, yet grow from that stagnant position.

Is it ever a wonder how the personal bothers in our life have a spill-over detriment into our professional positions and vice versa. For instance, did the argument with your significant other leave you unprepared to finish that urgent- deadline-group project the next day? Or did your personal counseling session last night ultimately lead to the inaccurate figures you sent to the client, costing your department $16,000 in overhead costs? How about that awestruck comment from the VP who sent out a company email about how you caught a miscalculation in the business proposal that may have resulted in an over-staffing of volunteers on the company’s humanitarian assignment?

Stay in Your LaneThese are all examples of how we can either manage or mismanage our emotions. Further, these are also patterns that exude mixed emotions when our minds are at peace or, worse, disrupted. Conversely, we, as employees are often in tune with self that when there is an inkling of discomfort in our professional space we can usually discern the end result, i.e. conversation with the boss and the like. We are likewise able to decipher the same sentiments in our personal space, but the difference is often in our incapacity to exercise these practices. Simply put, we have policies and procedures in the work place that guides our actions, emotions, behaviors and the list continues – these actions inadvertently keep us in line with appropriate and inappropriate conduct or else our job is at stake. Unfortunately, this is viewed differently with our loved ones.

Grant it, there are a few who have mastered the skill of ‘staying in their lane,’ yet I am sure personal guidelines are at the core of their persistence and its consistency because we are all flawed. Therefore, learning, staying and mastering your lane is simply put as one’s understanding of the role s/he has in another’s life. Albeit a mother who accepts her role as mother and endorses the concept with complete onus. That mother will nurture, console, consult, guide and instruct her offspring in the different paths they must go; however, the mother will also know when to set aside personal time for her young to develop and grow individually, thereby appearing to be emotionally distant only long enough until she needs to hold her daughter’s heart or grab her son’s hand to deliver that maternal grace of leading each child by example. This same mother possesses a particular discernment whereas she will intuitively listen to her heart, asking it and God to guide her along the trails of wisdom and streams of maturity so that her respect remains in tact.

This mother who holds wifely responsibilities is further confident in her role as the spouse. She is considered an equal and respected partner because she brings her whole self to the relationship. Her heart is healed of past hurt and although she may speak of the past, her words are delivered with empathy and without contrite. She further ushers her husband in his masculinity, encouraging him and endorsing his dreams as the sole cheerleader and exclusive partner that he desires and deserves. His pains are her pains. His hurt is her hurt. His past is her past because it’s been shared as luggage lifted along the way towards a healthy relationship for the two to enjoy and reflect upon as lessons learned. She is his buddy and he likewise. They are cognizant of one another’s space because they realize that space and silence allows oneself to gather thoughts so that hasty words and reactive steps aren’t introduced. Both are attentive to the other’s needs, respecting the body, mind and spirit they each share in the place they call home – please read my post about how a home differs from that of a house.

Mr. Husband, who may have been hurt before is transparent about his wounds, yet possesses an astuteness for personal counsel to help him heal beyond the hurt. Because he has a partner in his wife, he is conscious of her wants, desires, needs and the essential ‘me’ times needed. Instead of interrogating her, he solicits responses with selective-word choosing. The traditional ‘telling his wife what to do’ does not sit well with him because he knows that will quickly result in her ‘feeling some kinda way,’ so he instead engages in substantial conversations that includes words like ‘we, us and our’ because they both know that the ‘I’s, me’s and you’s’ of conversations can drive each in separate directions. Mr. Head of Home will ask for his wife’s input in decision making because he realizes that exclusivity may lead to toxic situations that could have been prevented and avoided.

These respective roles are challenging to perfect. Mastering one’s lane simply implies that whatever role you are given in another’s life, you are expected to be that and more. Study your role description, become efficient in it, excel in it, promote it, guard it, nurture it, praise it and usher others who are misguided on how to become a like-minded peer of that great spouse, awesome co-worker, loving husband, unforgettable partner and appreciative boss. Venture out, daringly asking others how you may help them feel better about themselves so that others can feel the spill-over benefit. Don’t shun the opportunity to become the awesome mother to your child because your own lacked the ability to do so. And most importantly, embrace your role as wife, mother, significant other or partner, viewing it as a title that you wear proudly, adopt fully and apply proficiently. You are not a label because there can never be a monetary value attached.

When God gives us the title parents, we are actually chaperones of his children. If we each veer from our assigned and respective lanes, we thereby engage in areas of neglect. As with that opening position where you were hired to create that seamless atmosphere at your workplace, you are thereby accountable to ensure the role at home is properly filled so that spill-over detriments and loss of emotional stability are proactively handled to create a happy home instead of an unstructured house.

Be kind to others. There is enough to g’round!

Cheers –

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Daughters, Emotions, Fathers, Relationships, Self Esteem, Teenage Females, Teenage Girls, Teenager mothers, Valentine Day, Young girls

My reciprocated partner

Happy Valentine Day!

On a day like today, i.e. the romantic-commercial holiday of exchanging and expressing love gestures to signify the appreciation we have for our partners and loved ones, don’t forget to keep the flame burning in your relationship. Whether you’ve found it already, still looking for that desirable match or are choosing to love on self because you need more ‘me’ time, be mindful of the gesture instead of its monetary gain or the public notoriety of receiving. Last year I wrote an article, titled Flowers and Chocolate where the giver of my gift was acknowledged for the Gesture of giving. I was grateful because the sender lifted my spirits insomuch the deliverance of joy was received at a time in my life when there were more downs than ups. Hence, his gesture of buying and ordering the deliverance of flowers and chocolate dispelled all self negativity.

Hence, today is unlike that day and now is a different situation because I am no longer in a committed relationship. I have thereby graduated to a stage in my life where the gesture of receiving is less valued than the act of giving. I will continue to usher more importance to the reciprocated practices of my very own Valentine who quickly forgives me when I make parental mistakes, compliments me when I feel low, lifts me when I am exhausted, reads to me when I need to hear an inspiring story and values our conversations during the slow-dance lessons on days when I will grab her hand to share the significance of ‘loving on self’ and why so. This person is my ultimate gift, my protege, my forever love, my darling, my Sweetheart, my shoulder when I am tired, my napkin when I weep and my partner who will sit across from me to work on her assignments when I also have work to do. She is my daughter and today is my day to make sure she continues to understand the essence of love, the act of giving and the significance of ‘marry to date’ so that flames in her future relationships are fueled with passion and substance.

Mommy and daughter

Enjoy your V-Day!

 

 

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Emotions, Relationships, Self Esteem

Become a Better You

Written as a Facebook Note, October 29, 2011.

Hard to LoveAssociations, i.e. friendships, relationships, and acquaintances are usually developed from individual comfort levels from within. For instance, two people meeting for the first time who share a mutual understanding about an issue will likely grow closer to one another because of common knowledge or experience. To the contrary, if there is a reservation between two people, meeting for the first time, it will likely result in no further conversations beyond the point of the initial encounter.

So I argue that the duration or severance of relations is stemmed from how one is perceived and accepted in the company of others. Therefore, I would encourage an assessment of your relations and determine if your life is improving or regressing. And from this evaluation, make some changes to become and be a better you.

You owe it to yourself!

Cheers –

 

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Relationships, Valentine Day

Once is enough?

Written as a Facebook Note, April 17, 2012.

To fix is equivalent to apologizing. To build is equivalent to improving. To maintain is equivalent to nurturing. Quality and valued relationships are absent when you continue to apologize, fail to improve, and forget to nurture!

Emotional stability in self

 

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Relationships

So Close, yet so Far – Relationships

Written as a Facebook Note, August 23, 2011. 

So close, yet so farRelationships are challenging because they require maintenance, transparency, honesty, humbleness, constructive criticism, nurturing, spontaneity, creativeness, stimulating conversations, acceptance, peace, the presence of God, sacrifices, respect, understanding, appreciation, and the list goes on.  However, there are times when two people, who were once inseparable may grow a part and begin to steer in opposite directions. This division could be attributed to individual challenges, failure to find middle ground, over confidence, the date to marry metaphor, lack of creativity and the list continues.  Thus, we must be mindful that nothing comes easy, and anything that is worth keeping will require personal sacrifices.  Just make sure that you do not sacrifice self in the process because it takes the whole self to produce healthy-productive results. 

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Daughters, Emotions, Fathers, Relationships, Teenage Females, Teenage Girls, Young girls

The Apology that Mattered. A House is not a Home.

A House is not a Home.

A house is a structure that includes different participants with dissimilar objectives. Each entity has a different focus and goal that is notarized and projected. The members in the house will behave in an agreed upon manner insofar of guidelines but each person has a different direction or objective to accomplish that, when given an opportunity, may lead to enticed conduct, e.g. stealing from one another, inflicting harm upon another, cheating or moving on to the next available offer. Further, the house members will enter and exit as they please because whatever laws that produce civilized conduct will be breached and persons will ultimately succumb to individual propensities, such as biases and judgments. Later, the ambiance in a house will fluctuate and grow uncomfortable, sometimes so unsuitable that it greets excessive admittances, produces high attrition, and invites intolerable demeanor and ultimate distrust.

In contrast, the home is a feeling (ambiance) that provides, produces and breeds tranquility. The cohesion and union cannot suitably occur without accordance. Certain things must be in place for a home to mature because it requires clarity, time, patience, tolerance, management, calm, a certain temperament, active collaboration and proactive teaching. Metaphorically, each member is a fiber that adds to the value of a finished product. The difference can be witnessed with the role of a project manager (PM) who is assigned to lead a group of 5, which was our household size before my parents divorced. The PM will wear many hats because he is the appointed overseer who will allocate funds, deliver assigned tasks, disseminate materials and issue project deadlines to name a few. Thus, I equate the PM to the head of the home; the father who is further designated to answer questions and provide clarity with the goal of delivering a finished-quality product.

The Apology that Mattered

love-daughter-dad-quoteClarifying these two distinctions lends itself to a question about the modern marriages compared to what I will call contemporary unions today. Shortly after sharing my most intimate post yet, titled “Sharing my Personal Scar” I received a phone call from my dear father. I will preface this to say that my dad has become my best male friend. He was overly apologetic and emotionally moved to learn that I had not reached out to him at a time of need. The content of my recent blog lends itself to a lot of speculations about the quality of parenting I and my brothers received when we were young; hence, I point the blame at no one because I attribute my parent’s parenting styles to that of which was passed on to them, i.e. adopted practices that were observed and illustrated in what I describe as the house where the parental figure was absent.

Conversely, I wonder if my grandparent’s decision to withhold facts about what they knew of their predecessors deprived my parents of an opportunity to predict and monitor certain tendencies that were imparted? Today I know the spoiled- rotten-little girl, who was left to self-parent because her older siblings were creating lives of their own, did the best she could to take care of house while her mother worked odd hours as a private-duty nurse, is the mother who parented us to the best of her ability. I also know the young man who pursued her because he wanted to be the paternal example that was absent in his life was improperly coached on chivalry and dating etiquette. Hence, both teenagers made conscious decisions to marry and create a nuclear family.

 “The future of every generation lies in its progeny.  Prepared or, unready they are the unwitting guarantors of familial memory, living time capsules filled with stories that define and sculpt family identity, culture and history.  All of us are both mirrors and windows reflecting what has been and apertures allowing a brief and narrow look into the limitless potentialities of what can be.”

Dr. Joy DeGruy

Systemic Practices

Dr. DeGruy alludes to the practice of inheritance. Whether it is knowledge bestowed upon us, experiences lived in the footprints of those we follow or the psychological incapacity of discernment, we essentially become what we may want to disown. Having said that, I see the authoritative, stoic, guarded, independent and covert habitudes that were instilled in me from my maternal upbringing that contradicts my paternal traits of balance, candor, transparency and objectivity to name a few. However, I also know that a lot of my characteristics were acquired along the way through my exposure to others and their experiences.

“In families where the father’s interaction with the children is limited because of marital statuses, he still has an effect on the children—but to a lesser extent. The roles of the father figure are assumed by male relatives, partners of the mother who live in the home, and by extended family helping networks (McAdoo, 1996).”

Excerpt from the Michigan Family Review. Section, titled The Child Socialization Role

For instance, writing and sharing my Personal Nuggets are necessary not inasmuch for personal healing but for others who are also reserved about why the black family is prone to systemic practices that seem challenging to overcome. For instance, if we were to poll children of divorce parents in the black community and ask them questions about their experience each person may have a different outcome; however, the common theme and take away may convey a degree of self-blame in their parent’s decision to live separately. Thus, my childhood history resembles other children that are now caught in the crossfires of a ‘tug of war’ between parents who have become fierce opponents. Accordingly, has the home structure that many black fathers desire been unreported?  Is the black man stigmatized by the mainstream media as deadbeats and uncaring?

There is supportive research that highlights the positive image of black males, who are willingly and actively involved in their kids’ lives, as was our father. Yet, for reasons I will write about later, both parents were subjected to unhealthy conditions that compelled him to leave when I was 10. Subsequently, his efforts to constructively co-parent and the attempts to remain in contact grew challenging as years passed. What I didn’t understand then I absolutely understand and agree to today. So, although the intentions of creating a home instead of that ‘house’ environment may be short-lived, our relationships with the comprised members don’t have to be. It is possible to maintain contact with our loved ones, albeit a grandmother or the village that reared us. And it is further possible to open our hearts to misunderstandings and disagreements. Today I thank my dad for the apology that matters because I am now receptive to hearing and receiving without reservation because he was the ‘Head of our Home’ and has accepted fault.

Note: This is dedicated to my Father.

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Emotions, Relationships

I love you, despite …

I love you, despite is what we should first think of when we are faced with challenging circumstances that may physically, mentally or emotionally distance us from a person we once loved and shared a life with. I think of this phrase in a different context today, as it relates to my current situation, i.e. an interruption in my personal relationship. However, I would to speak about the idiom in the ‘past’ tense as it relates to severed relationships: separation and divorce. Wise_strong_flawed_beautiful

When you become a victim of parental alienation (PA) everything stops. Your heart begins to beat a different way, your thoughts become irrational, your foundation is interrupted, your stability is no longer, your health is jeopardized and your future is gloomy. Now just imagine how all of these emotions are housed in the mind of a child, who has no cognitive ability to recognize what is occurring nor does she have foresight about what the ‘fuss’ is about because in her mind she loves both parents and cannot understand why what is rational to her – apologize for wrongdoing and kiss and makeup – is beyond her parent’s comprehension.

Considering all things that distorts our mature thoughts about the partner we once favored and dearly cared for, our emotions often get in the way of our mental capacity to think beyond our hurt. When the British Politician, Andrew Bennett, was quoted as saying “the longest journey you will ever take is the 18 inches from your head to your heart,” he could not have been more truer with this statement. To add to his brilliant quote, I pray we, as parents are more mindful of the permanent effect our actions will have on our offspring. Although I don’t fault or blame anyone for my hurt and scars as a PA victim – because I believe my parents parented the way they witnessed their parents parented – yet, I believe that words spoken and voices heard is a beginning point to healing because when a person speaks and hears their own voice, they are claiming onus and accountability.

So let us begin with … I love you, despite:

  • my (your) hurt.
  • my (your) pain.
  • my (your) flaws.
  • the hurt I’ve (you’ve) caused.
  • my (our) inability to see eye to eye.
  • our falling out of love with each other.
  • my decision to move on without you.
  • our inability to reach common ground.
  • etc…

Now if you are reading this from the perspective of solving PA, asking will it solve what is becoming prevalent in our society? The answer is a resounding no because PA is a disorder that requires professional intervention and recurring treatment (in my opinion). However, I do believe that taking precautions will help us to think + feel instead of just feel and thus affect every other person in the process.

 

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Emotions, Relationships

Masquerading Around

A lot happens behind the scenes and we can grow dangerously comfortable in these areas where masquerades are consistently worn.

My surprising week began on Saturday, 9/23/2017, instead of Sunday this time because it was the morning we picked her up from the train station when she finally visited for the first time in nearly two years. I remember saying to my daughter “I’d be surprise if grandma comes but I don’t believe she will,” when soon after she called and told us about her train reservation. I remember hanging up from the conversation, thinking about how the text I sent her on 9/15/2017 at 06:24 that read “Good morning. You should visit us this weekend” must have touched her the same way I felt when I sent it – sorry, wishing we could make forward steps to heal our hurt. 

It was awkward, I was nervous and my daughter sensed every emotion. I remember Butterfly saying something that insinuated my acting like a little girl who was happy to see her mom. Bingo! That was the exact feeling I had: happy like a little girl who would finally have a chance to ask questions about us and get clarity but also apologize for anything I did or have caused. When we finally had a chance to talk we were like foreigners in unguarded territory, hoping that certain questions weren’t asked because we did not want to hear the answers because dealing with what we heard would require us to do things we don’t normally do, such as show emotions. The feelings we conjured up were so unusual – at least for me – because a part of me wanted to let my guard down, but my cautious side knew that relaxing too much and exercising true candor was too risky too soon in our process of making amends after years of breached trust.

Moreover, most of our conversations resembled interactions you may see between strangers who would use their eyes to communicate because it was the only common, understood language, e.g. body language. However, unlike strangers, we had a common language but were afraid to speak it because it was the voice of pain, hurt, humiliation, turmoil, ugliness, immaturity, suffering, and deep wounds that, if exposed, would not survive the environment without professional intervention, which we did not have. So instead of daring to dive in, sort of speak, we talked using cues and at the surface of our pain insomuch that we each spoke our apologies, but only long enough to not feel the sincere result because we both wanted to keep a cordial atmosphere for my daughter’s sake, who was in listening distance and could sense if things were going sour. Yet, there were a few occasions when I would look a certain way and feel differently when responses were shared because the lag of time between each past incident left us both unsure of certain facts that needed proper addressing.

So, the remaining time spent together included bouncing around my small, intimate apartment, tip-toeing from room to room with hopes of not getting too uptight and in our feelings because we each knew that should things get out of hand, my daughter would be left to witness the very ugliness I have been trying to avoid, i.e. disruptive relations between females in the family. And although my attempts to make a positive difference was slightly successful, the result was expected: elevated voices, speaking over one another and wearing the mask that kept us safe for all these years – the facade that tricks one into believing that the image and scenery given to the public is just the opposite. Nonetheless, not all was lost because efforts were made and attempts were illustrated and the result left us both feeling a little better about what we dared to resolve on our own, which is our differences, misunderstandings and hurt. But at least we scratched the surface of what has changed the way we see, speak and perceive each other and I remain optimistic that our next visit will be sooner rather than later to gradually peel away our masks.

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Emotions, Relationships

Author’s Note

It was titled, an ‘Author’s note’ about self, and it reads:

The relentless blame a daughter carries is the closeness she has with her father, while her mother’s heart sears because of the supposed open wounds she still has from a bitter divorce that led to misunderstandings . He is aware there is no favorite ‘parent’ although she believes otherwise. The daughter will forever pay a hefty price because she is caught in the middle.

This is my story and I am finally shutting the door of fear to put a voice to why I consistently experience bouts of sadness. Truth is – what you see at the surface is not my reality. The ‘real’ me is a gullible, naive and inexperienced adult who still cries for her mother’s attention. So although I pretend to be strong in front of the people who know of me, those who know me on an intimate level remain hopeful that I will find my happy place (one day, somehow someway).

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